So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
