$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
