Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
