Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
