Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
