then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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