So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
you made out with another girl for some wings
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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