If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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