i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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