I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
