You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
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