There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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