Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
