I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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