I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
