I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
