someone threw a dead crab at me
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
