Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
