I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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