Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
