so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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