I didn't shave. On purpose
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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