When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Randomize
