Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
