thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
