What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
