I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
