bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
