my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
