Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
