Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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