Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
