is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
