u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
