After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
