I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
