I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
