I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
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