As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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