i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
