life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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