When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
