Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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