I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
