Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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