you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
We smell like vodka and hangover
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