Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
