You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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