I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Randomize
