You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
