Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
